Addiction in the family

I too struggle when I see young people who have no guidance. It is a lonely way to grow up and profoundly damaging (see my post on the "lost child" syndrome for more info on that).

Also noteworthy is that alcoholism frequently will skip a generation. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen clients whose parents didn't drink or use, but who have grandparents on one or both sides who did so to excess.

This is because we, as human beings, during our process of individuation (which usually starts in our early teens) will make a list of some things our parents didn't do well that we want to correct when we're adults. But here's the trick - we will almost always over-correct. Ask any 15 year old "what's the worst thing about your parents?" and you'll find in what area they're going to be sure to over-correct.

Kids whose parents are alcoholics or addicts tend to go one of two ways. Either they repeat the cycle, or the become angry, judgmental and uptight in their determination not to do so. They succeed in avoiding drinking, but they're often fear-based, which leads them to be hyper-controlling fixers of their loved ones. Such individuals sometimes marry alcoholics, and frequently find their progeny turning that direction.

That's part of why I always, always, suggest that family members of addicts I see pursue counseling, an al-anon family group, or both. The inversion of the cycle is still the cycle, it just looks different.