Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Jesus and Family Roles

My wife had a friend in grad school who used to say "you teach what you need." 

Lately I've been focusing on the five family roles in my teaching - hero, mediator, mascot, troublemaker, and...  um...  -oh yeah, lost child.  These are the roles we choose in childhood to help us get through life.  Everyone plays all the roles some of the time, but we've usually picked our primary by around the age of six.  We'll generally adopt a second one durning puberty and/or in response to a traumatic event. 

What's interesting about our roles is that they are often unaware of one another.  So if I'm playing "mediator" I can have one set of values and beliefs, but when I'm playing "mascot" I can have another.  For example, perhaps you know someone who's quite and reserved at the office, but a cutup and jokester at home?  Perhaps you've had the experience of visiting your family and, within a couple of days you "feel like a different person."  Or - and this is pretty common - haev you ever said something in anger that you would never, ever say normally?  These are examples of jumping from one role to another.  I mentioned before that we frequently have a primary role that we gravitate toward above the rest.  Often we get so good at playing this role that we forget what it is - just a role.  This one will be who we think we are - the rest will just be experienced as occasional anomalies. 

Ever decide "I'm not going to have anymore chocolate tonight" (hero role) and find your resolve weakens shortly (troublemaker role!)?  Ever eat the chocolate and then cover it up so your spouse won't notice and get mad (troublemaker and mediator)? ;-)  One part of myself sincerely and wholeheartedly resolves to not to eat anymore chocolate, but a little while later another part says "oh heck, it's just a little, no one will mind..."  This is a small example of me bouncing between roles without too much trouble...

The trick is to understand that roles are primarily concerned with self-protection and survival - which is totally normal and human - and which is also about fear.  Fear is, of course, the opposite of faith.  So when I play a role (which I do often, though I'm not usually aware of it) I'm really relying on me rather than on God.  This isn't "bad" necessarily.  In certain settings it's probably quite appropriate and valuable.  It's when I forget what I'm doing (which is most of the time) that I get into trouble...

Most of us live life in a role and don't really know it.  If sometimes my behavior doesn't match my beliefs, that's normal.  But when I forget that, even for a little while, I'm in a role.  When I'm in a role, I'm many things, but aware of my need for Christ's miraculous love and grace is not one of them.  That's the reason that I need to do personal and individual spiritual work even after I've accepted Christ.  

Ultimately the purpose of spiritual practice for me is to learn to be aware for long enough that I can be authentic and aware of my need for Christ in each moment, that I can make the decision that God wants instead of the one that will make someone else happy, the one that will make me the most money, or the one that seems safest.  I know that such places exist, but I'm often too "busy" to do the "work" necessary to get to them.

The work is, of course, just taking time to practice the habit of getting out of God's way.  Prayer is helpful for this, but for me meditation and contemplation are the practices that really help with this.  Also, I find that I have to take the time to regularly take an inventory of my own shortcomings and share them with both God and someone I trust.

Lately I've been doing... none of this.  At all.  I've been too "busy."  Busy doing what?  Well, I work sometimes (after all, I'm "superspouse" and "the provider"), and I play with my kids, but a lot of the time I'm busy judging someone else, playing with new toys or just doing whatever sounds good right now and (probably) won't get me in too much trouble...  One nice thing about sharing this (besides the hope that perhaps a few others will be able to relate to it and learn from my folly) is that it reminds me that I need to take some time to address this stuff...  That means more time asking for guidance and praying for humility.  It means time and energy devoted toward Christ.

You see, without Christ I have nothing but the role I chose (or that was chosen for me) in my family or origin.

The Way of the Follower of Christ is to give up these roles for something else.  Accepting Christ for me was/is a process, a beginning, the first step along a path (allegedly a straight and narrow path).  Accepting Christ opens a door to His Truth, reveals the only real, only authentic Self that we have in this world.  The only true and authentic Self that there is.  But seeing His Holy Spirit revealed to and within me and choosing to step toward that Revealed Self and away from these survival roles we've known our whole lives; that is The Way.

This is why being a "good person" doesn't cut it.  Even being a "good christian" doesn't cut it.  Because if Idig into the "good person/christian" I'll find someone who goes home to be all those other roles I discussed earlier.

How many christian's go through the motions, but experience that same sense of deadness, emptiness and the knowing that something is not right?  Or worse, how many of us go through the motions and are so busy running, performing acts of "good" and "service," that we don't even notice? I don't know.  I do know that lately I've been on that track.  I fall back on it, usually when i get too comfortable.  Thanks God, for helping me notice...

Here's my prayer; "Lord, comfort me when I'm afflicted.  But please Lord, please, afflict me when I'm comfortable."   ;-)  (I stole that from Richard Rogers)

Hopefully this week I can get my crap together and get out of Christ's way.  Pray for me dear reader, won't you?

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